On my last trip to the Great Wall, about five minutes after I arrived at the top of the wall, a kid (maybe about 12) mustered up the courage to come over and asked to take a photo with me. I agreed, and then asked where they were from–it was obviously some sort of school/youth tour group. They said they were from Shaanxi Provice, a few provinces west of Beijing. Then they said “Welcome to Beijing!” I don’t think it ever occurred to them that I, the foreigner, might live in Beijing and should be welcoming them to Beijing.
While I was sitting next to this canon, a little kid came up to it and exclaimed something to the extent of “Let’s keep the outsiders out!”
In China, there are two groups: Chinese and foreigners. You are born one way or the other and it doesn’t change. I could live the rest of my life in China, I could speak fluent Chinese, I could become a Chinese citizen (I don’t think this is legally possible, but if it were), and I would still be a foreigner. An outsider.
This is hard for Americans (and those from other countries with high immigration rates) to understand, because we understand “foreigner” to be a fluid category. It is a different way to think about the world. And how do you live in a country where you will always be an outsider?
Joann Pittman coined the term (or at least I learned it from her) “acceptable outsider.” We will never become insiders in China, but we can become acceptable outsiders. Outsiders who are familiar with and appreciate the culture and respect it’s norms, who can be polite, who have spent time living in China, who can have reciprocal relationships. This is what I aim to be. How do I get there?
This week at Velvet Ashes is “Welcome to Living Cross-Culturally.” This is my contribution to the theme, the mindsets and practices that help me in the journey to be an acceptable outsider and enjoy it in the process. These words might be food for thought for someone else on the cross-cultural living journey. And I hope they will give my “back at home” readers a behind the scene look at my experience of living cross-culturally, with all its joys and challenges.
Be In It For the Long Haul
Not everyone goes overseas with the intention of being long term, but if you are, take a deep breath. You don’t have to figure it all out today or tomorrow or next month. However long I live in China, I will always be learning. I don’t have to figure it out today. I also don’t have to become best friends with everyone today, but can let relationships grow over time.
Accept That You Can Have More Than One Home
I have two homes: Michigan and China. There are ways that this is stressful, because I am always missing one of them and it takes energy to transition from one to the other, but the upside is that I am usually leaving home to go home. Either way, home awaits me on the other end.
Learn the Language
I’ve had the opportunity to spend dedicated time to language learning, and it helps so much. It is hard, but worth it. It makes living in China easier to be able to shop online without finding someone to help me or go to the bank without worrying if there will be an English speaking teller available. And it makes building relationships easier, because there are so many more people I can get to know and I can actually hear their stories in their heart language. Even in situations where we mostly use English, i think people respond differently to me because they know I’m learning Chinese. People know their language is hard, and they appreciate the effort–even if you don’t have much time.
Listen More Than You Speak
Especially at the beginning, listen, listen, listen. Listen to people’s stories, listen to their challenges, and how they face them. Listen to how people show love to each other (in China, it is more often giving unsolicited advice than saying “I love you”). Listen to speaking volume in different settings. Americans tend to be action oriented, so listening a lot can be hard, but speaks volumes about your attitude. Side note: operating in your second language helps with this–you’re less likely to speak up if you have to think things through before you say them.
Ruins at the Old Summer Palace (Yuanmingyuan), which was destroyed by British and French Troops during the Second Opium War–understanding this period of “national humiliation” helps to understand current attitudes towards the West.
Learn the History
China has a very long history, and Chinese people are very proud of it. I think it is really hard to understand today’s China without at least a little bit of knowledge about the history. I got to take Chinese history courses when I studied in Beijing for a semester during college. I am so thankful for those courses, because they frame how I understand today’s ever-changing China.
Experiment With Foods
There are lots of new foods to try, and in China, the majority of them are delicious! But it is okay to eat some Western food, especially if you are here for the long term. When I was here for that semester or when I host people for a few weeks, it seems like a badge of honor to not “break down” and eat Western food. If you fully love the local food and don’t want to eat Western food, that’s fine. On the other hand, if you are like me and enjoy local food more the rest of the day when you eat some kind of Western breakfast, that is a good choice. And Western foods can help you to build relationships, if you share it with others, although you have to think through this carefully. Depending on your location and access to ingredients, you will probably have to learn new ways to cook. More With Less and the Market to Meal blog are your friends in finding basic, flexible recipes.
Make Your House Feel Like Home
When I was looking for an apartment, I worried about how nice it was and how expensive it was, because I could get by with less. A wise friend told me that Beijing is a chaotic, busy city and you need a good place to come home to. He was so right. I’m so glad I’ve made my home a place that feels like home, but also a place I feel comfortable welcoming others into.
Building community and the fruits of my China-specific-cooking skills at a 4th of July Party
Build Community
Sometimes you come into a situation with built-in community, but that isn’t my current experience. I’ve worked to develop relationships with both locals and other foreigners. It is easy to go off to an extreme–all foreign friends or all local friends–but I find a mix is the best. It takes more work this way, but it is worth it in the long run.
Enjoy the Benefits
There will be things you love about your new home–enjoy them! I enjoy the convenience of being able to order almost anything and have it delivered to my door, including groceries and fresh flowers! Whatever it is, don’t feel guilty about the benefits you might be able to enjoy.
Give Yourself Grace and Don’t Lose Your Humor
It takes a lot of energy to live overseas. Give yourself grace when you don’t get things done as well or as quickly as you might like. And keep or develop your sense of humor, because you’ll need it. You’ll end up in situations that are just ridiculous, and it is usually better to laugh than cry if you can manage it.
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